My thoughts

http://www.connecticut-business.com/funstuff/images/1339.wmv

just happen to be given to me by darch at the time i Need this so badly.
check out the rest also :)

I find it hard to believe, but last night…. Last night I hurted myself. Oh btw, did I mention I almost died?
Welll whoop deee doo. Yes I almost. I”ll tell ya the story. I was hungry so I decided to cook soemthing on the stove. Went back to PT to play stuff ya know. Well…. I got into deep thinking see. About this girl. She’s always on my mind. Lately, I was worried though. I had the feeling that me and her were starting to dfrit apart. Due to some “ex” that happens to resurface. I really don’t get why she still hvae a thing for the ex though. I mean it has been awhile right? And she’s with someone new. And everyone knows, when ur with someone new. Your feelings for the ex… should have been replaced by the new person. lol… anyhow… so I lost track of time… thinking about her. Don’t worry girl. I know that you have been spedning ur time with the ex instead of me and lied about it… while I was wwaiting for you. That truly hurts. anyway… I smelled smoke. I ran inot the kitchen and All I saw at that moment was a cloud of smoke lingering in the air. and the ever so blazing bright pan that was on fire. yes… the pot was on fire. about 6 freakin inches or more of flame was emitting from it. That’s all I manage to see in the kitchen…. I imeddiately went for it. but my first attemtp was a failure . I grabbed the handle with my bare hands the flame as if sensing my intrsuion rushed towards me, engulfing my hand in its fury I let go of the handle… reeling back in pain. Oh but that was a huge mistake…. I inhaled too much carbon at that moment. I felt myself slipping away… coughing franctically I dropping to the ground near the doorway. My last thought was.. yes that rights.. her… She was the last person I thought of before I slipped away. In my semi coma state… I endlessly thought of all… all the good times, the bad times, the laughther.. the fights it all ran through my head. I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to be with her. then next thing I know… I came back to mysenses and slowly got back up…. thinking… wanted striving to fight for my life. So I grabbedthe handle oen more time, ignoring that pain that flooded my hand. Placed it on the sink.. then despereately searching for the sink handle to open the water. Finally after about 1 min of trying to locate the handle and shit finally got it. THe water flowed down into the pan touching the flaming oil…. this caused it to radiated and somehow… this caused the flame to erupt I closed my eyes shielded it with my hands . the flame reached towards the celiing…. spreaded all overthe place. I ran around stopping every little lit peice of obeject. after all that … I opened the window to let the smoke out… I felt myslef starting to slip away again… so I went out of the kitchen after making sure nothing was still on fire. Went back to the comp… coughing , tears falling from my reddened eyes. my hand hurt from the fired… When I was able to… the first thing I did was asked for her. All I wanted atm was to be with her an dher only.
but… she left to do something for a quick moment. I was left… it kinda stinged that she left me for something that could have waited. After tat…. when she came back. I asked why… then everything started falling apart. Found out, instead of spending time with me… she was with her ex lover. Truly sad. I felt.. hurt. At this time I could’t think straight. the thought… the feelings… the one person I strived to stay alive for… was spending her time with someone esle. betrayed.hurt.pain. At that moment…. I wanted…. more than anything esle.. for her to just love me.. why was that so hard? the ex? what about? There’s a reason why they’re called “ex”. Myheart at that very moment.. shattered. And she… was with her ex. that rights. she left me and went to hang out with her ex. at the time I needed her so badly. My mind snapped. I lost control of what I was thinking. I gave up. I gave up being happy. I gave up being sad. I gave up feeling. I gave up on life. Lol, at thta very moment.. I felt like a useless peice of shit. I started I guess… hurting myself physically.
I dont really know what but…. hahhaa I was about go and jump out the window I guess. And she said to me “just remember, I love you.” that sstuck by me. and in all. PJ, didnt bother trying to stop me. and that moment.. my fen blake… yelled at me. screaming at me. Telling me to stop thinking about her. And he kept pushing and pushing. until i agrreed to have a 1 on 1 with him. Told me, hey no bitch is worth that kinda of thing. that yes, I should be very pissed. dear him… I was writing my farewell letter to my fmaily at that time.
He told me things will be fine afterward. That love goes on. I really couldnt tink straight at the moment with blood dripping from my forehead on to the sheet of paper. my hands still hurting from the near death incident. All the pain.. still fresh… all this going on. my fren yelling at me. a song came on….. -Be my last-. and her last words to me forced its way into my head. I yearned more than anything esle.. I wanted her to be with me. I slowly regain my composure, listened to blake saying stuff. thinking back to the times when we first met. The days we spent all day toegther from morning to night. It brought back a smile.

I decided…. I want nothing more in life than to be with her.
but now.. I must decide. Should I fight for her love.. or forever be a
memory lost in time. I… love her enough… for her to be happy..
even if its not with me. I know… I’ll go on hurting each day.
But atleast she would be happy? I don’t know.
If you happen to read this. Email me, or comment anything.
What should I do?

….Arigato…

So, I sit here wondering… what am I doing with my life? Is there any purpose behind it? For right now, the only reasonable logic that I deem worthy is… that im living on for that one person I’m content to be with. Today I will get things done. I will do a list of what to do for the nest few weeks. I wont be on as much perhaps. But it’s better than not having anything to do. If you want to keep in contact with me then email me.
I check it daily. ( am I turning into crystal?) I’m not sure. Hmmm…. I need some ideas. cya!~.